


Ya Done F**ked Up, RED.

by cumulonymphus



Series: Mann Co. Bar [1]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Backstory, Bar, Drinking, F/M, Funny, Loose Canon, M/M, Multi, Nonexplicit, Not Serious, Parody, Princess - Freeform, Rape, Science Party, Spoof, Taunt - Freeform, appropriate, balloonicorn - Freeform, feel good, head canon, lap dance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 23:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11195826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cumulonymphus/pseuds/cumulonymphus
Summary: RED has pissed off the Administrator royally. As punishment for their incompetence, they're sent to work for Saxton Hale for awhile.Each segment could potentially stand alone or you can read all the chapters like a normal person. Enjoy!Also, I'm still writing this. Haha





	1. Ya Done F**ked Up, RED.

Usually a fight between RED and BLU would begin at this time of day. However, all nine mercenaries from the RED team were being transported in a limo to a new location. They were informed to dress in suits provided to them then prepare to leave for the evening. Confused and obligated, the crew did as instructed. None of them knew the reason why and were questioning and theorizing with each other.

"It's about time we got something for all the hahd work we do," said Scout.

"Ye pure think we will be rewarded efter that muckle dustbowl loss yesterday?" said Demoman, surprisingly sober.

"If this eez punishment, perhaps we should do badly more often, oui?" said Spy, enjoying the refreshments in the back of the limo.

"Demoman ees right. Ve messed up beeg time," said Heavy.

Just then the phone in the back of the limo began to ring. The mercenaries all seemed to know who it was and no one was in the mood to get yelled at for their performance.

Scout's hand shot up to his face, "Nose goes! I ain't answerin' that."

Pyro and Soldier grabbed their faces too. Engineer sighed and grabbed the portable phone.

"Hello, ma'am," said Engineer. He began to wince and moved the phone further from his ear. Yelling could be heard by everyone.

When Engineer returned the phone to his ear he said, "Can do," then pushed a button on the phone and held it out in front of him.

"I am very disappointed in ALL of you, but ESPECIALLY you, Soldier," the Administrator's voice on speaker phone penetrated the silence in the limo.

Soldier pointed to his chest and mouthed 'me?' Everyone shrugged in response.

"To make up for the amount of money lost, this team will be working in Mann Co.'s newest division under Mr. Hale's instruction until further notice," said the Administrator. There was a click and all was quiet for the rest of the ride.

* * *

When the limo reached its destination all nine men flooded out. Someone had let one loose in the vehicle and had refused to own up to it.

"Awh man, that's gross!" said Scout, the first to get out of the car.

"What are you, six?" asked Sniper. The rest of the men nodded in agreement.

Saxton Hale stood by the limo, wearing trousers and a white dress shirt for once in his life.

"Ahhhh~ That's the stench of progress. Welcome, men! You will be working in Mann Co.'s first bar. I know you will be successful in making me the third richest man in the world because if you don't you will be answering to me when I get back from fighting that yeti in Australia," said Saxton, walking toward the doors.

The outside of the bar was a beautiful, brand-spankin'-new brick building. The sign above the door read Mann Co. Bar. Simple and to the point, completely like Saxton Hale. Engineer noticed that next door was a hotel. He decided to hold his question about the bar's location until after the tour.

Saxton's two man-servants held the doors for the crew as they entered.

The inside was furnished and decorated quite swankily. There was a little stage, VIP booths, chairs, a foosball table, and a bar complete with all sorts of fancy alcoholic liquid. T'was the fanciest bar the mercs had laid eyes on.

Saxton talked nonstop for twenty minutes, checked his watch, then said his private jet was leaving for Australia in two minutes. He tossed the keys to Pyro and left.

No time for questions and answers with Mr. Hale.


	2. Scout Shakes It

Scout was sick and tired of Mann Co. Bar. Why did he have to dance around on the stage half-dressed? He was a warrior, a fighter, a soldier, not some prissy piece of tail for girls to goggle over. He lost a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors one crucial time and was stuck being the dancer for Ladies' Night. It was the third time he was being told to get up on stage that night and he wasn't having it. He wouldn't dance for a bunch of strangers he didn't know.

"You know who would look great dancing without their shirt on? Pyro. That whole gasmask thing - MMMN! - ladies dig ambiguity," Scout tried.

Demoman and Heavy laughed heartily from behind the bar. Demo cleaned a shot glass with a towel.

"You lost. Fair is fair," said Heavy, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Look, laddie, if it makes ye feel better we can dim the lights to hide yer ugly," said Demo, causing Heavy to break into laughter again.

Scout was unamused and looked blankly at Demoman.

"Hahaha - ahh.. Alrightie. I'll ask Sniper or Soldier to switch with ye then," said Demo.

Just then Spy backed up into Scout while chuckling at something a guest said.

Scout whipped around and spat, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" but all his irritation instantly melted away when he saw the guest Spy had been entertaining was Miss Pauling in a purple peplum dress.

He smoothed his hair back with his hand. "Hey there, Miss Pauling. You look-" he glanced over at Spy for guidance who mouthed an adjective to him, "-radishing." Spy hit his face but Scout didn't see any bugs around. "What are you doing here tonight?" Scout asked.

Miss Pauling laughed a bit. "The Administrator suggested I keep an eye out. I'm not sure how much longer I'll intrude. I'm just making my rounds," she said.

Scout saw an opportunity to impress the woman of his dreams and he spoke before thinking, "Well if you decide to stay after you finish your 'rounds', tonight's entertainment is on me and I've prepared something sweet!"

She laughed, "Maybe I'll stay awhile, it is the weekend after all." She gave him a genuine smile.

Soldier slammed a tray of empty glasses down on the bar and ordered, "Three strawberry daiquiris! Half price for the ladies!" Demoman immediately filled the glasses on the tray.

Soldier noticed the purple dress out of the corner of his eye, then the face on top, "Oh, Miss Pauling! Great to see you! I've been wanting to talk to you!" Soldier grabbed the tray then said, "Walk with me!"

Being the persuasive man he is, Miss Pauling followed Soldier without a second thought, fully absorbed in whatever he had to say to her.

After she was out of earshot, Scout sat down on a bar stool and laid his head on the counter with a groan.

Heavy, Demoman, and Spy had all witnessed Scout's conversation.

"Thought you didn't want to dance," Heavy said, looking at the back of Scout's head with a knowing look.

"You imbecil," Spy said, sitting down between Scout and Heavy.

Demoman shook his head.

Scout turned his head to face Spy. "Please help me," he begged.

Spy took out his cigarette and lit it, "What's een eet fair me?"

Scout whispered something into Spy's ear. Spy raised a brow.

"Very well zen. Dieu, you always require asseestance," said Spy.

"Engineair made zis for me zo zat I could blend een wiv our enemy team more efficiently," said Spy.

The room behind the stage in the bar was small. The mercenaries had been keeping their most important belongings there. Spy snapped a belt around Scout's waist. The excited giggles of women could be heard from backstage. Scout was shaking from nervous excitement. The intro to some pop song was playing in the bar's overhead system.

"Zis weell make you shake yur 'ips better than Shakira! However, eet won't fix yur awful singing voice," said Spy as he smacked Scout on the rear like a baseball player and shoved him out on stage.

Scout almost fell over but caught himself. Women were screaming now. Scout couldn't help but grin. These women may have been strangers, but they were screaming to see him dance.

So Scout selflessly complied, of course. He was surprised with how natural the exotic dancing came to him with the belt. He scanned the audience for Miss Pauling. She wasn't anywhere close to the stage.

After a couple reverse gyrations and a little step heel turn he softly growled at a couple girls who were dangerously close to climbing on the stage. He finally spotted Miss Pauling leaning against the back wall by the bar, blushing as the Medic bowed and spoke to her.

Determined to get her attention, Scout continued moving to the rhythm of the music but tugged his RED tee shirt off. Miss Pauling only glanced over at Scout for a moment then returned to her conversation with Medic.

Scout huffed then hollered, "Free lap dance to the catcher!" There was no way that Medic's boring conversation was better than a possible lap dance. The slight jealousy was clouding Scout's ability to think reasonably.

Scout chucked the tee shirt and the volume (along with violence) suddenly increased as women from every corner of the bar reached out to catch the shirt.

The shirt smacked an oblivious Engineer in the face. Scout's eyes went wide. Great. First lap dance and it's for a dude.

The sick, twisted women all chanted that Scout dance for Engineer. Engineer laughed as a couple women pushed him to the stage.

A cruel chair was already in place onstage for such a moment as this. Engineer took a seat. This wasn't his first rodeo.

"Weirder things have happened back home in Texas. I'm game if you are, Boy," Engineer laughed. Neither of the men were homosexual. Engie downed the last of his drink then patted his lap.

Scout looked over at Miss Pauling again and noticed she was now ignoring Medic and held interest solely for the stage's entertainment.

So Scout gave Engineer the best freakin' lap dance ever. At one point Scout removed the wraps from his hands and tossed them around Engie's neck like a tie.

Scout had to admit it was some awesome entertainment. Not only did the mercs make bank that night but Scout gained a whole new appreciation for exotic dancers.

When Scout and Engineer walked backstage, away from all the giggling and screaming, Spy looked bewildered.

"You okay there, bud?" Engineer asked.

Spy removed the belt from Scout's waist and opened the back panel.

"I just reahlized I never put new batterees een zis," said Spy.


	3. Soldier the Mermaid

"You're all a bunch of sissies that can't handle a few beers," Soldier said as he angrily scooped up a tray with three half-full drinks.

The women at the table glared at him as he walked the dishes back over to Demoman.

Demoman had caught some of the conversation. He cleared his throat and awkwardly laughed. He didn't want to offend his friend, but if Soldier continued to harass the customers about wasting drinks then business would decline quickly.

"Hey Soldier, ye think ye can let up oan th' lady-folk?" he said.

Soldier didn't look at Demoman, not unlike usual. That helmet did make eye contact difficult. Luckily Demoman only had one eye anyway and didn't care about making eye contact.

"Back in '43 do you think they let up on us in the war?" Soldier said.

Demoman was pretty sure that Soldier had never been in a real war and opened his mouth to answer but Soldier answered for him.

"Of course not! If I go easy on these pansies then they'll baby their children who will then grow up to be slackers in the army," Soldier rambled. His logic made sense. It was completely sound. Flawed, but understandable.

Demoman just quietly nodded as he made three glasses of water for the ladies at the table. He may not have been able to show Soldier that he was a lunatic, but he was sure that their friendship was strong enough that he would comply with his request.

"Could ye try talkin' a wee bit softer then? There hae been complaints ay th' noise level of thes establishment," Demoman said.

Soldier took the glasses of water and carefully placed them on the tray. He smiled at his friend and nodded. Of course he could talk quieter. What a simple request. An odd one, but easy enough.

He returned to the ladies's table with the drinks and set them down gracefully.

"Anything else you skirts need?" Soldier said in his best indoor voice. He may have accidentally said it in a snootier manner than intended.

Soldier was answered with a glass of cold water to the face.

He may have lost his temper after that and yelled at the customers, but that's a minor detail to the whole story.

After closing time, Demoman heavily scolded Soldier for the outburst.

Soldier opened his mouth to apologize but nothing came out.

Demoman raised a brow, unimpressed. Was it really that hard for Soldier to show remorse for alienating people?

Soldier cleared his throat and tried again. This time he managed a very raspy, "Sorry." He was shocked by the lack of...well..voice in his own voice.

Even Demoman was worried. Had Karma finally delivered? Demoman called for Medic.

Medic appeared out of nowhere and snapped two latex gloves on.

"Finally! Something to do around here!" Medic said way too cheerfully.

"Turn your head and cough," Medic said to Demoman as he approached.

Demoman raised his hands up to keep distance between himself and the doctor.

"It's nae me! I called ye fer Soldier here! He's lost his voice er somethin'!" Demoman said.

"Hmmmn.." Medic had turned to face Soldier. He grabbed ahold of his neck and began to palpate the skin there, completely engrossed.

After several minutes of uncomfortable poking, prodding, and strange tools being shoved in his mouth, Soldier was finally ready to be diagnosed.

"Bad news. You're dying," said Medic, matter-of-factly.

Soldier's jaw dropped. Demoman teared up and practically tackled his friend to the ground.

"I just want ye tae know that I always loved ye," Demoman said. Soldier nodded his head and tightly hugged his friend back.

Medic removed his gloves. "Zhe good news is zhat you have a couple decades left. Also, you have a vocal cord hemorrhage. Do not talk for a veek and you vill be fine," Medic said.

The two men on the floor awkwardly looked at each other but soon stood up to brush the floor dirt and man cooties off. Soldier's face was tinged slightly red.

Demoman stumbled over his words, "Ye-ye know! Loch a friend!"

For the next week Soldier was completely silent because of his ailment and confusion about Demoman.

The good news is that for the whole week there were no complaints about the service or noise. Soldier's IQ also doubled from the amount of quiet thinking and listening he did.


	4. Pyro to the Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very vague. Maybe too vague of a chapter. If alluding to potential rape upsets you, skip this chapter. I was exploring how a character like Pyro would handle a situation like that. It won't hurt my feelings at all if you jump ahead to Chapter 5.  
> Spoiler: Pyro is a hero.

Poor Pyro had been mercilessly berated for almost burning the bar down. All he had been trying to do was prove to Balloonicorn that those mysterious bottles on the shelves did actually have fairies inside.

However Soldier had snatched the lit match away just before anything happened. Fun-sucker.

A very irate Medic told Pyro he lacked common sense and he was only fit for taking out the trash. Poor sweet Pyro.

Ever the excitable one, he gladly accepted the request to become Garbage King. Balloonicorn was also ecstatic to assist such a magnificent kingdom as the valiant steed.

Sniper showed Pyro his subjects and where the dungeon was. Pyro was quick to catch onto the game's rules.

At closing time he gathered up all the full trash bags and kicked the back door open to the alley way like an action hero. Balloonicorn was humming the Indiana Jones' theme for added effect.

He tossed the bags into the air then kicked them into the open dumpster.

He turned to go back inside but Balloonicorn tugged on his tie.

"Do you hear that?" she whispered to Pyro.

"Mrear mrhat?" Pyro mumbled.

Balloonicorn shushed him so he intently listened.

What he found was that he couldn't hear crap through his gas mask. However he noticed a feuding couple down the dark alley.

The taller of the two was wearing a perfectly pressed suit. He was lightly dragging a pair of scissors across his partner's chest. His toothy grin wasn't unattractive but Pyro was completely put off.

The prettier one was wearing significantly less and was looking much rougher. Her dress lay on the ground in shreds as she fought the man to keep the rest of her outfit on. Despite her lack of attire Pyro couldn't help but think she looked exactly like a princess.

Pyro had been yelled at already for endangering the bar but he couldnt go back inside when there was a crazy guy destroying the Alley Princess's dress. Even Pyro knew that wasn't how to treat a princess.

And just like that a switch went off in Pyro's brain. Balloonicorn was nowhere to be found as Pyro grabbed his trusty fireaxe.

One swift swing and the princess was saved from the indecency.

Her knees gave way and she collapsed onto the hard ground atop the shreds. A thick suit of stickiness covered her.

She stared blankly at the severed head of the man by her knees for a long moment. Then the tears came and she muttered her gratitude.


	5. Demo's Ma is a Feisty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. You could probably skip this one too. It needs some TLC. X'D

Bring Your Mother to Work Day. Worst holiday ever. Who the heck even invented it?

"TAVISH DEGROOT! YOU ARE NEGLECTING YOUR SWEET CUSTOMERS!"

Demoman smacked his face for the umpteenth time. Mrs. Degroot angrily waved her cane in Demoman's direction. He tried to tune her screeching out as he quickly made up two martinis.

"ARE YOU IGNORING ME, BOY? YOU'VE GOT SOME NERVE. I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I CAN JUST AS EASILY TAKE YOU OUT."

Several customers winced at the screaming. One man in particular glared at Demoman's mother as he sat at the bar. He was wearing a custodial uniform and had likely just gotten off work.

Demoman sighed and glanced across the room, envying Scout as his ma straightened his bowtie and fawned over how handsome he looked with his hair gelled back.

"Aye, momma. I hear ye! I'm workin' on it!"

Sniper decided to take his break and sat beside the disturbed customer. He chuckled at Demoman.

"Blind or not, she's certainly a feisty one, eh?" whispered Sniper.

Demoman set the martinis on a tray for the waiter to run.

"That woman has a bloody lung made o' iron," Demoman whispered back.

"That's another thing, Tavish, dear. A BAR? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WORKING IN A BAR!? YOU COME FROM A LONG LINE OF EXPLOSIVE SPECIALISTS. NOT BARTENDERS!"

The man seated next to Sniper at the bar snapped. He suddenly stood up and grabbed Demoman's mother from behind, effectively covering her mouth.

Demoman tightly clutched the bottle of whiskey in his hand.

"WE'VE ALL GOT PROBLEMS, OLD LADY. AT LEAST LET US DRINK THE STRESS AWAY IN QUIET," the man complained.

Sniper put both hands up peacefully. Many of the customers began to gather.

"There's no need to start anything, mate. She's just giving her son a pep talk," said Sniper.

Just then Demoman's mom bit the man's hand and he screamed, releasing her mouth.

Both Sniper and Demoman took this opportunity. Demoman through the bottle of whiskey at the man's head and Sniper grabbed Demoman's mom.

The man ducked and the whiskey went sailing over his head, shattering against the wall.

"Y'ALL A BUNCH O' LOONS!" he screamed as he ran out.

Demoman growled, "And stay out."

He turned to check on his mother to see if she had sustained any injuries but was met with a surprise.

Demoman's momma was planting a big, ol' kiss on Sniper.

"What a brave man, you are! My hero!" Demoman's mom hugged Sniper, who tried in vain to push the old woman away.

"MOMMA!" Demoman cried.


	6. Spy and Son

**"Seriously, Man?" Scout waved his arms around in the air, "SERIOUSLY?! I'm a grown ass man. I'll do whatever I damn feel like."**

**Scout marched out of the back room.**

**The rest of the group was silent.**

**"I know…"**

**Spy contemplated how he could have handled the situation better, how he will handle future ones, and how he should have handled the past.**

**Soldier slapped him on the back.**

**"Sorry about your son, Son!"**

**"He is not mon fils."**

**Engineer set a hand on Spy's shoulder.**

**"Now I know things have always been tense between the two of ya, but that's no reason to disown him in a fit of anger."**

**Spy massaged his brows.**

**"Non. You misunderstand. Scout is not my kid. I'm not his father. Mon petit chou fleur just happens to be his mother, so I know Scout."**

**Demo yawned.**

**"Well. I'm going to bed. Guhnight!"**

**Some of the mercs took this cue to retire for the evening.**

**"I smell a backstory…" Sniper said as he tossed an arm around Spy's shoulders.**

**Spy half-attempted to wave Sniper off of his person then decided to pull out a cigar instead.**

**"What is there to reveal? He blames me for his father leaving the picture when I really didn't have anything to do with it. I just appeared shortly afterward," he placed the cigar between his teeth and anxiously patted his pants pockets.**

**"I got ya," Sniper let go of Spy's shoulders and handed him a lighter.**

**"I can confirm this. I believe Scout thinks of you as a spider in his bed," Medic said.**

**"Not helping," Engineer said to Medic.**

**Medic shrugged.**

**"Maybe it will ease your mind some to know that he admires you at the same time. You're a charming spider?"**

**Spy scoffed and rolled his eyes. He took a long drag on his cigar.**

**"Shall we move this conversation outdoors so I don't set off the fire alarms?" Spy asked.**

**After relocating outside the bar, in the alley, Spy gave a great monologue.**

I have done this sort of work for a very long time.  
I believe, like many of you, I was watched for a very long before being bribed into this current contract.

I was on a big heist, just visiting America when I ran into her.

Someone had tipped her off that there was to be an infiltration and she was prepared.  
I was much less prepared than she was.  
She was breathtaking. She was dauntless. Most importantly, she was underestimated, which made her a wild card.

Predictably, I quit. I began to help her and her whole private investigation agency.

Of course she was angry with me at the beginning for leading that sort of dishonorable life for so long but she soon forgave me.

We eventually fell madly into bed.

Scout, who was only a boy at the time, never actually met me, but he knew of me. He saw glimpses.

Love letters to his mother, a misplaced tie here, a cigar bud there. Mon amour had made me sloppy.

This affair went on for years. I longed to wed her, but every moment right before I planned to ask, something would always come up.

Scout felt as if something was wrong with him because of my avoidance and cold feet.

In 1958, he ran away from home to join with other neglected delinquents and criminals. They bathed the street in blood of all those who opposed them in their thievery. Scout was the most innocent of them all, as the designated getaway driver.

He didn't return home until his mother fell sick. This was also when he and I met for the first time.

It was awkward. I handled that moment wrong like today. I accused him of selfishly only caring about his own personal gain.

I was scared for his mother.

At some point in time, the house phone rang and Scout answered. Tears rolled down his face and he bolted out the door, running off again.

This time though, I pursued him through the midnight streets.

Mais, Scout is far too quick for me to keep up with. I took up solace on a dark park bench.

Stressing about the very good likelihood of losing the love of my life and my love's most prized creation yet again, I whipped out my case of cigars.

A shadow spoke, "I can save her."

Startled, I dropped my case and pulled my old revolver from its holster.

"Who are you?"

"A friend. There is a mineral in Australia that can be obtained that has life-giving properties. It is what Juan Ponce de Leon searched for his entire life. I will give it to her and it will halt the growth of the cancer."

Spy squinted hard into the dark shadows of the park to try to discern a face somewhere.  
He kept his gun up.

"I suspect there is a catch."

The shadow laughed.

"I need you to resume old habits."

Spy holstered the revolver and turned to walk away. He needed to tend to her.

"Not interested."

"I've already offered a similar proposition to the boy. He eagerly accepted. He's not as skilled as you were though. Nice boy," the shadow stepped into the light as Spy angrily flipped back around.

The all purple outfit and large beehive was all too familiar to Spy.

"Helen..." Spy's anger disappeared as fear crept in instead.

"Don't look so frightened. I understand. You visit a new country for the specific purpose of obtaining something your employer requires, and you get distracted by romance. Happens all the time. But I need you now. You were the best. Besides, that boy probably won't survive if you don't join the cause," she grinned as she adjusted her hair.

Spy was quiet for a very long time.

"What choice do I have?"

**"Deja vu," Engineer said.**

**"Yeah, I'm getting some weird nostalgia right now too," Sniper said.**

**"Really? You two can identify with Spy's story? I sought out a project like Helen's for years," Medic said.**

**"Anyway, zis is why Scout and I have massive blowouts," Spy finished his cigar and put it out on the brick wall of the bar.**

**Sniper sighed, "Let's all get some rest. We've got another full day tomorrow of doing her bidding."**

**All but Spy entered the building. Spy stayed behind and gazed at the stars, trying to recognize constellations.**

**Some time later, Scout entered the alleyway, scratching the back of his neck and avoiding eye contact with a pleasantly surprised Spy.**

**Scout let out a sigh and cleared his throat to speak.**

**"I'm sorry," Spy said, still fixated on the stars.**

**"Uh. That's my line?"**

**"I'm not your father and I haven't been trying to be. For that, I am sorry. Maybe I should have been trying. I don't stay in contact with the same people very often. I worked alone for so many years. C'est...uncomfortable," Spy droned on.**

**Scout suddenly hugged Spy. Spy slowly accepted the hug and returned it.**

**"I like when you're awkward. It's a new side of you," Scout said.  
**


End file.
